Boring

I just realize my blog is boring. Biar la...bknnya ada org nk bca pun...huhuhu...It's just full of what I think so I let it out here. Tp jarang plak nk update. Haii...

Challenges

I just read a blog about a high school girl facing typical high school phenomena. High school is all about boyfriends, cliques, who gets the attention, who's teacher's pet, and of course, big exams. These high school girls doesn't realize, they are not in such a vain with their problem. There are much more problems and challenges outside of high school. You will face new people with different background that you have to adapt to their surroundings and respect, you will face new assignments and tasks which is much harder and complicated than school work, you will face much complicated and higher level of maturity in relationship whether with boys, best friends, classmates and even lecturers. Plus, you will have to make all the decision to yourself. From your clothes, to your money to what you eat, where to go, what to do and who to choose.
I learned all that after I left high school about 2 years ago. To compare my life with all the people that I knew and never wanted to know in school before, people that think they are too big and popular are practically unknown now. And if they try to take their attitudes back from high school to universities, they will never mature. But I guess, in university life, people start to change totally. I've changed a lot. Too much in such a short time. But I think it's good because there are poeple that I care and who cares about me are there to support me. I changed from the way I eat, my attitude, my respect to people, my view of my race, my view of the world, how I did my job, how i bring myself forward, how i dress, and how i communicate with people.
From the problem that I recently faced, I realizeda lot of things about respect. I need to respect people, yes. But people need to respect me too. Let's just say the problem start with the people think i don't respect them. I am angry of course because i didn't do anything. They ask me to respect them when they didn't respect me back. How am I suppose to respect them? People gain respect from other people, not ask them for it. Before I knew it, things have started to get worst. Miscommunication have started, threat has been flying away, gossips all around, uncomfortable was felt. Let me just say this one thing just to get it out of my chest. These people think they are too big and too mature to think that we should respect them instead of gaining it. Well, i don't really want to blab more about it. But we are still teenagers who is still learning to live our life. When adults have interfered, they know what to do and say and what the problem is all about. Thank God for that. The problems solved by communication and talking. This has made me realize that, I am still far too young to know what life is. Even adults who is already matured still doesn't know what life is sometimes, so for those out there who think they are so big and in high cliques, I suggest you rethink about your position as a small human in Allah's earth. Muhasabah diri. I will do that.

Back To Heaven

Heaven? Well, I donno about that but Im just saying. Anyway, I'm back to my campus tomorrow. From Sarawak flying alla the way to KL. Then from there someone I've been waiting to meet will going to pick my parents and I up there. It was the first time he will ever meet my parents and I hope everything will be all right. Well, I hope the WHOLE journey back is all right. And I hope that all the stuff with the 'menumpang' thing will be settled as soon as possible because before we can register ourself on 28th on the Sunday, we wouldn't know where we're gonna stay yet. And I hate for the fact that I didn't know anything, only come, and stay where I used to stay and wait till i heard the news about my real staying. Huurrmm... Online system pun agak leceh skrg ni. Hmmm...nevermind.

Mood Extractor

My Mood: Weird Song: What About Now (Daughtry)

What have I done? This is why I hate myself. I have illness in the mood department. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been known as a moody person. My mood was like the weather, unpredictable, but yet can be detected. I kept on going on my life with the bad attitude on me. Even when I think of it makes me sick, as if something bad was put on me and I’m desperately in need to take it off me, even though that time I have no idea what’s going on. I let my mood take control of myself.

I’ve made such rush decision, never think of someone else’s feelings and even ended up hurting someone I love and in the end hurting myself for hurting them. Well, I’m such a coward let me tell. I mean, I hurt someone else, but not in her face (yes, it’s a her and she’s my best friend) but through emails. I’m the kind of person who can hurt someone by just saying something that I knew would hurt them, and it would feel as if I just sliced the person’s insides. I’m that bad. The ability – I’m not proud of it. That was when I’m still out of my mind. When I’m sober enough to think straight, I actually made a mistake and it wasn’t her fault at all. Yes, maybe a little but I had no rights to pull her off. So we fought face to face. As a good friend (the greatest friend in fact), all the remaining of my best friends sets us up. We almost wanted to ran away, but they said better to let it all straight out. So we did. Some bad things happened. A lot of tears, a little of slapping, and a lot of hugs after that. But I still felt sorry for myself because I didn’t even apologize. They did. I was such a screw up. I know, I’m the ego queen. I’d rather be a drama queen I tell u but what can I do?

Well, I guess after that, ‘What goes around comes around’ phase had come to me. After a few months and I still didn’t realize what I was doing to myself and people around me, one of my bestest friends gave me an email that sliced me open, and the light was shining on me. With tears rolling down my cheek, I realized everything. I’ve been hurting people I love and I don’t want that to happen. With that email, my eyes, my heart had been open to see the truth. Well, of course I was sad because I’ve been insulted, hurt, and much more in the email but it was for my own good. I didn’t reply her a.s.a.p., instead, I went to clear my mind and took off for 3 days holiday at KL where I took the chance to take part in a Creative Writing Seminar to take my mind off things. After the holiday, now’s the time I have the sense to write. Well, u know what, I didn’t tell it off her. I didn’t yell or anything, but I thanked her for saving me. I thanked her for being the greatest friend I could ever have, to open my eyes like that. The email really had slapped me in the face, making me realized everything. Well, she was glad and she hoped I turned into a new leaf.

I did. I trained myself not to be moody at all times, not to get the mood get the best of me. I did it! Until I found ‘him’. If you’re wondering, yes, he’s the love of my life, the guy of my dream. But to my disappointment, I always let him down. I disappoint him by being moody all the time. Because when I’m moody, I hurt him, just like I did in the past. Seriously, I couldn’t forgive myself. Why the mood’s coming back? Because maybe I want everything to be almost perfect (I know none of things can be perfect) and maybe I know he can make me laugh and be gone my mood in a flash. But when he couldn’t, I…well, you know what’s next. And maybe there’s something else I couldn’t explain. I need this mood to go away from me. I thought I could control it. I guess he is my weakness and when he’s around, my weaknesses shows. I fluently cried when before I only cried in the case of my family (because being ego, that was kinda hard too). I think I need to rethink about this. I need to take a fresh start again, and try to control myself for not hurting people, especially him, the one I love. And…if you, the people I know who read this, please just give me an advice or two when I’m in that mood again. I need someone to tell me because yeah, I guess I needed a good hard slap in the face that could open my eyes again. :-)

New Days

This is the second blog I created because it's for my own. The first blog was a group blog where I shared my feelings with all my friends and they can post in the entry too. So this one, it'll all be just me, me and me! Hahahha..enjoy....