Sunday, November 13, 2011

what's wrong?

You know when you get the feelings when you just don't know what really happen but you just feel all moody and sad. When you think about it, you can't seem to find what the cause is. Everything just don't feel right at that time. It's not even feeling bad about something. Just the feeling where you want to lie down on the floor, music blazing as loud as it is, and just forget about the world.

That is exactly what I'm feeling right now, for the whole day.

But instead of doing what I have described above, I do none of it. I manage to smile, I spend my day studying, and just doing my life like usual, even though given the day I spent most of it alone. The loneliness in this house didn't even make me wanna do lying on the floor thing. Why? I don't really know. But maybe because I'm just too tired of being tired of everything. Maybe I just want to be strong for once. Maybe I just want to be positive for a day. Maybe I just see this as a normal, seasonal thing. Or maybe it's just the hormone. But overall. I tell you, trying to lift yourself up when you're down is not an easy thing. I can't really concentrate on my studies. At times I just wanna hit my head on the table. I even found myself say this out loud, "Shut the fuck up," because my brain can't stop talking and imagining shit that'll never happen. hahaha.. But overall, those music helps me, those inspirational helps me, and I watched movies to distract myself. Because I know tomorrow will be a good day if I let it. There's no point in dragging this stupid feelings get by day by day. I'm just gonna tell myself that everyday from now.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Emosi?

Kenapa sekarang ni aku senang sangat menangis? Melihat kepada post sebelum ni, tajuk pun dah tau aku harap Oktober akan berjalan lancar. Tapi overall, macam lain plak jadinya. Yelah kan, aku takleh nak buat apa, aku cuma merancang, Allah swt yang tentukan. Kalau Allah nak jadikan bulan tu tak best, tak best la jadinya, tapi mungkin ada hikmah disebaliknya. So bulan ni aku find out aku banyak menangis la pulak. hahaha.. Bukan nak show yang kita ni lemah, after all, since birth, it has been a sign that we're alive, tak gitu? Tapi tu lah, manusia semua ada tahapnya, ada masa boleh bersabar, ada masa perlu diluahkan, bila tak luah tu lah dia terluah jadi air mata.

Bulan ni banyak benda yang mencabar aku. Aku terima banyak benda yang mengejutkan, yang akan change my future, yang boleh memburukkan keadaan dan sebgainya. But overall, ni dah masuk November, aku taknak harap lebih2 tapi aku tawakkal je dgn Allah swt, dgn apa jua cabaran dia bagi kat aku, aku tau, Dia lebih tau aku kuat menghadapinya, kalau tak dia takkan bagi cabaran macam tu kat aku.

Even though Oktober seems not that good, tapi disebalik tu ada jugak yang best2 sbnrnya. So aku harus bersyukur jugak, Allah itu Maha Adil, dia takkan bagi musibah je kat hamba dia kan? :) Minggu lepas convocation aku. Kat situ lah rasa hebat nya naik pentas walaupun cuma 10 saat je. hahaha... Walau apa pun, menerima sijil tu aku realize banyak benda. Selama 3 tahun menghadapi Diploma, dengan penuh senyuman, gelak, lepak tak tentu masa, assignment dan event yang boleh pecah kepala, tak cukup tidur, heartbreaks, tangisan, penggunaan dan pembaziran duit yang meluas, gaining new friends and also lose some, and of course the experience, I can finally say this: I made it!

Aku tahu banyak orang dan situasi yg boleh buat aku tabah selama 3 tahun tu dan menolong aku and be there for me when I need them. Especially to my mom, the one who's been receiving my endless calls, kejap complain pasal tak cukup duit (selalunya ni la, haha), kejap nangis sebab stress sangat, kejap complain pasal lelaki...haha..macam2 la...tapi mak tetap dengar & she always have the best answer and advice for me. Thank you, mom. To all my friends, I love all of you. Sama ada dekat or jauh, dgn skype, or chat, or phone, kita tetap rapat and you guys are always there when I have problems, or just be there when I have something juicy and happy things to tell. Ha, kwn2 yg dekat lagi lah, sayang korang semua! haha.. Thank you my dear friends. Yang tak lagi berkawan ke tak rapat ke, I know in a way you guys ada jugak tolong and memainkan peranan dlm process aku nk dptkan diploma ni, so in a way, aku ucap terima kasih jugak. Korang la bagi aku semangat & experience dlm hidup sbnrnya (dan ini bkn menganjing ke ape ye, ikhlas :) )



So dalam sedar tak sedar, dah November, sebulan lagi, habis dah 2011 ni. Cepat nya mak aih. Tak terasa langsung. Mana pergi cuti 4 bulan dulu? Dulu bukan main lg merungut lama nk mampos cuti, skrg tak sabar2 dah nk cuti balik. haha.. Tapi aku boleh katakan la yang tahun ni is such a good year, might be my favourite among all that I can remember and cherish. Maybe sebab aku dah smakin membesar, dan sikit skali berubah. Walaupun banyak lagi mistake & dosa aku buat, tak kira dgn manusia ke Tuhan, aku akan cuba perbaikinya dari hari ke hari. Aku harap bulan Nov ni tak lah emosional sgt. Emo sgt ni maybe dah letih kot, pastu aaahh ada lah. haha... apa2 pun, kadang2 aku buat salah besar kat orang, do know that sometimes I dont mean it, and sometimes ter-burst it out. Minta maaf banyak banyak. :\ Dan semoga kita lalui hari hari kita penuh rasa rendah diri dan tawakal dgn Allah swt. :)

A little pictures of me and my friends at the convo <3