Friday, December 26, 2008
Heaven? Well, I donno about that but Im just saying. Anyway, I'm back to my campus tomorrow. From Sarawak flying alla the way to KL. Then from there someone I've been waiting to meet will going to pick my parents and I up there. It was the first time he will ever meet my parents and I hope everything will be all right. Well, I hope the WHOLE journey back is all right. And I hope that all the stuff with the 'menumpang' thing will be settled as soon as possible because before we can register ourself on 28th on the Sunday, we wouldn't know where we're gonna stay yet. And I hate for the fact that I didn't know anything, only come, and stay where I used to stay and wait till i heard the news about my real staying. Huurrmm... Online system pun agak leceh skrg ni. Hmmm...nevermind.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
My Mood: Weird Song: What About Now (Daughtry)
What have I done? This is why I hate myself. I have illness in the mood department. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been known as a moody person. My mood was like the weather, unpredictable, but yet can be detected. I kept on going on my life with the bad attitude on me. Even when I think of it makes me sick, as if something bad was put on me and I’m desperately in need to take it off me, even though that time I have no idea what’s going on. I let my mood take control of myself.
I’ve made such rush decision, never think of someone else’s feelings and even ended up hurting someone I love and in the end hurting myself for hurting them. Well, I’m such a coward let me tell. I mean, I hurt someone else, but not in her face (yes, it’s a her and she’s my best friend) but through emails. I’m the kind of person who can hurt someone by just saying something that I knew would hurt them, and it would feel as if I just sliced the person’s insides. I’m that bad. The ability – I’m not proud of it. That was when I’m still out of my mind. When I’m sober enough to think straight, I actually made a mistake and it wasn’t her fault at all. Yes, maybe a little but I had no rights to pull her off. So we fought face to face. As a good friend (the greatest friend in fact), all the remaining of my best friends sets us up. We almost wanted to ran away, but they said better to let it all straight out. So we did. Some bad things happened. A lot of tears, a little of slapping, and a lot of hugs after that. But I still felt sorry for myself because I didn’t even apologize. They did. I was such a screw up. I know, I’m the ego queen. I’d rather be a drama queen I tell u but what can I do?
Well, I guess after that, ‘What goes around comes around’ phase had come to me. After a few months and I still didn’t realize what I was doing to myself and people around me, one of my bestest friends gave me an email that sliced me open, and the light was shining on me. With tears rolling down my cheek, I realized everything. I’ve been hurting people I love and I don’t want that to happen. With that email, my eyes, my heart had been open to see the truth. Well, of course I was sad because I’ve been insulted, hurt, and much more in the email but it was for my own good. I didn’t reply her a.s.a.p., instead, I went to clear my mind and took off for 3 days holiday at KL where I took the chance to take part in a Creative Writing Seminar to take my mind off things. After the holiday, now’s the time I have the sense to write. Well, u know what, I didn’t tell it off her. I didn’t yell or anything, but I thanked her for saving me. I thanked her for being the greatest friend I could ever have, to open my eyes like that. The email really had slapped me in the face, making me realized everything. Well, she was glad and she hoped I turned into a new leaf.
I did. I trained myself not to be moody at all times, not to get the mood get the best of me. I did it! Until I found ‘him’. If you’re wondering, yes, he’s the love of my life, the guy of my dream. But to my disappointment, I always let him down. I disappoint him by being moody all the time. Because when I’m moody, I hurt him, just like I did in the past. Seriously, I couldn’t forgive myself. Why the mood’s coming back? Because maybe I want everything to be almost perfect (I know none of things can be perfect) and maybe I know he can make me laugh and be gone my mood in a flash. But when he couldn’t, I…well, you know what’s next. And maybe there’s something else I couldn’t explain. I need this mood to go away from me. I thought I could control it. I guess he is my weakness and when he’s around, my weaknesses shows. I fluently cried when before I only cried in the case of my family (because being ego, that was kinda hard too). I think I need to rethink about this. I need to take a fresh start again, and try to control myself for not hurting people, especially him, the one I love. And…if you, the people I know who read this, please just give me an advice or two when I’m in that mood again. I need someone to tell me because yeah, I guess I needed a good hard slap in the face that could open my eyes again. :-)