what's wrong?

You know when you get the feelings when you just don't know what really happen but you just feel all moody and sad. When you think about it, you can't seem to find what the cause is. Everything just don't feel right at that time. It's not even feeling bad about something. Just the feeling where you want to lie down on the floor, music blazing as loud as it is, and just forget about the world.

That is exactly what I'm feeling right now, for the whole day.

But instead of doing what I have described above, I do none of it. I manage to smile, I spend my day studying, and just doing my life like usual, even though given the day I spent most of it alone. The loneliness in this house didn't even make me wanna do lying on the floor thing. Why? I don't really know. But maybe because I'm just too tired of being tired of everything. Maybe I just want to be strong for once. Maybe I just want to be positive for a day. Maybe I just see this as a normal, seasonal thing. Or maybe it's just the hormone. But overall. I tell you, trying to lift yourself up when you're down is not an easy thing. I can't really concentrate on my studies. At times I just wanna hit my head on the table. I even found myself say this out loud, "Shut the fuck up," because my brain can't stop talking and imagining shit that'll never happen. hahaha.. But overall, those music helps me, those inspirational helps me, and I watched movies to distract myself. Because I know tomorrow will be a good day if I let it. There's no point in dragging this stupid feelings get by day by day. I'm just gonna tell myself that everyday from now.

Emosi?

Kenapa sekarang ni aku senang sangat menangis? Melihat kepada post sebelum ni, tajuk pun dah tau aku harap Oktober akan berjalan lancar. Tapi overall, macam lain plak jadinya. Yelah kan, aku takleh nak buat apa, aku cuma merancang, Allah swt yang tentukan. Kalau Allah nak jadikan bulan tu tak best, tak best la jadinya, tapi mungkin ada hikmah disebaliknya. So bulan ni aku find out aku banyak menangis la pulak. hahaha.. Bukan nak show yang kita ni lemah, after all, since birth, it has been a sign that we're alive, tak gitu? Tapi tu lah, manusia semua ada tahapnya, ada masa boleh bersabar, ada masa perlu diluahkan, bila tak luah tu lah dia terluah jadi air mata.

Bulan ni banyak benda yang mencabar aku. Aku terima banyak benda yang mengejutkan, yang akan change my future, yang boleh memburukkan keadaan dan sebgainya. But overall, ni dah masuk November, aku taknak harap lebih2 tapi aku tawakkal je dgn Allah swt, dgn apa jua cabaran dia bagi kat aku, aku tau, Dia lebih tau aku kuat menghadapinya, kalau tak dia takkan bagi cabaran macam tu kat aku.

Even though Oktober seems not that good, tapi disebalik tu ada jugak yang best2 sbnrnya. So aku harus bersyukur jugak, Allah itu Maha Adil, dia takkan bagi musibah je kat hamba dia kan? :) Minggu lepas convocation aku. Kat situ lah rasa hebat nya naik pentas walaupun cuma 10 saat je. hahaha... Walau apa pun, menerima sijil tu aku realize banyak benda. Selama 3 tahun menghadapi Diploma, dengan penuh senyuman, gelak, lepak tak tentu masa, assignment dan event yang boleh pecah kepala, tak cukup tidur, heartbreaks, tangisan, penggunaan dan pembaziran duit yang meluas, gaining new friends and also lose some, and of course the experience, I can finally say this: I made it!

Aku tahu banyak orang dan situasi yg boleh buat aku tabah selama 3 tahun tu dan menolong aku and be there for me when I need them. Especially to my mom, the one who's been receiving my endless calls, kejap complain pasal tak cukup duit (selalunya ni la, haha), kejap nangis sebab stress sangat, kejap complain pasal lelaki...haha..macam2 la...tapi mak tetap dengar & she always have the best answer and advice for me. Thank you, mom. To all my friends, I love all of you. Sama ada dekat or jauh, dgn skype, or chat, or phone, kita tetap rapat and you guys are always there when I have problems, or just be there when I have something juicy and happy things to tell. Ha, kwn2 yg dekat lagi lah, sayang korang semua! haha.. Thank you my dear friends. Yang tak lagi berkawan ke tak rapat ke, I know in a way you guys ada jugak tolong and memainkan peranan dlm process aku nk dptkan diploma ni, so in a way, aku ucap terima kasih jugak. Korang la bagi aku semangat & experience dlm hidup sbnrnya (dan ini bkn menganjing ke ape ye, ikhlas :) )

So dalam sedar tak sedar, dah November, sebulan lagi, habis dah 2011 ni. Cepat nya mak aih. Tak terasa langsung. Mana pergi cuti 4 bulan dulu? Dulu bukan main lg merungut lama nk mampos cuti, skrg tak sabar2 dah nk cuti balik. haha.. Tapi aku boleh katakan la yang tahun ni is such a good year, might be my favourite among all that I can remember and cherish. Maybe sebab aku dah smakin membesar, dan sikit skali berubah. Walaupun banyak lagi mistake & dosa aku buat, tak kira dgn manusia ke Tuhan, aku akan cuba perbaikinya dari hari ke hari. Aku harap bulan Nov ni tak lah emosional sgt. Emo sgt ni maybe dah letih kot, pastu aaahh ada lah. haha... apa2 pun, kadang2 aku buat salah besar kat orang, do know that sometimes I dont mean it, and sometimes ter-burst it out. Minta maaf banyak banyak. :\ Dan semoga kita lalui hari hari kita penuh rasa rendah diri dan tawakal dgn Allah swt. :)

A little pictures of me and my friends at the convo <3

October Wish

Hello October,

Dah dekat sebulan dah aku masuk degree ni and so far so good lah. One thing for sure aku nak cerita ni, life kat sini sgt hectic, busy, semak, and pack. Dengan masalah terlalu banyak manusia nya, terlalu banyak kereta smpai nak carik parking kt kawasan rumah sendiri pun makan masa 15 minit pusing-pusing, dengan kelas pack macam haram, and aku boleh cakap yang first masuk sini mmg agak blow in the face la sebab terkejut, especially bab busy2 ni. Sebab bukan ape, dah la dulu diploma part 6 free gila satu kelas seminggu, pastu tambah lg cuti 4 bulan, memang otak kosong bhai. Tiba-tiba ni masuk, first week dah ada 3 assignment, kelas pecah muka 4 kelas tiap-tiap hari dr 8.30 smpai 9 malam. Takes time jugak ar nak masuk system kepala otak ni. But in anyway, kena get use to it jugak. Minggu ketiga ni dah boleh dah slow, senyum senyum masuk kelas. Kalau dulu first week mulut tak lekang complain ah.

Datang sini, I know I didnt really come prepared about the busyness, but I did come prepared pasal social life sini. Having some friends kat kampus ni sebelum masuk gives me a lot of advantage. Because they prepared me mentally, warned me about social and stuff here, the classes, the lecturers, the whole system, and I got to know bangunan, tempat dan kawasan dgn senang.Sampai kawan cakap, aku ni sbnrnya dah lama masuk degree, cuma repeat xmau bagitau orang je. hahaha bodoh.

Cakap pasal social kan, one thing I've come prepared la, yang orang akan berubah kat sini. I am not gonna be surprised kalau ada yg dulu rapat gila skrg jadi strangers, ada yang kawan biasa jadi rapat gila, ada yang pandai jadi repeaters, yang repeaters and used to main2 skrg bersemangat...semua boleh jadi lah! Aku pun boleh berubah jugak, we'll see about that. Sekarang aku hidup dgn satu benda ni je. Aku malas nak fake, sorry lah orang yang aku malas nak tegur tu, aku ignore je. Daripada aku fake buat muka happy pastu kat belakang kita kutuk masing2 buat apa ye dok? Yang penting kita tak kacau hidup orang.

Anyway, let me tell you about budget and money plak. I think 3 minggu dah kt sini, I've used up more than 2000. All of that includes books, household items, minyak kreta, and makan. Gila kan? Tapi xpelah, aku faham sebab first month mmg camni. Lagi2 part nak beli buku tu, buku xnak banyak plak, satu buku more than 60..aduih sakit betul.

Well so far macam tu lah first experience degree. Walaupun ianya lain dan agak susah tapi kita semua perlu teruskan hidup, be positive always and habiskan degree ni cepat2...hahaha..And aku harap bulan baru yang datang ni akan menjadi lebih positive, cabaran yang datang dpt aku pikul dgn ringan je and errr dah malas nak mengharap2 ni so better focus on apa yang ada je. Terima Kasih. :)

Life

The other day I thought about this year, 2011. Though it didn't run the whole 12 month course yet, but overall I think it's a super awesome year. I had some downs but the ups keeps me looking forward for the future. I remembered the day before 2011 starts, I thought to myself how would I want the next year to be. I believed it will be a good year and I'm not expecting anything, just let my heart, hand and mind open for whatever coming for me. And so far, this year it treated me real good. I'm starting a new semester in a new place, new studies, and maybe some new friends, and I hope the greatness and awesomeness of this year continues. Well lets not hope for it, believe it will happen. Because believing so far gives me strength, instead of just hoping, wondering, and expecting. I know there will come tears, disappointment, heartbreaks for the coming month, but that is life. And I love my life. End of story.

All about mysteries

I just love doing lists. And I'm about to do now as well.

People often ask me, what kind of movies you like to watch? Dulu tak tau nak cakap camana, sebab asal cerita tu bagus, ada favourite actor, anticipated movies, I would watch it. So petang td I was as usual trying to fill up my free times, so I watched movies. And I just noticed that everytime I choose, it would be in this genre: Mystery/thriller/sci-fi combine. You know the kind of movies yg buat kita fikir, yang unpredictable, yang complicated, yang hujung2 cerita kita baru kita tau kenapa itu ini. Some says movies ni berat sikit, yeah well maybe. But so far none that I watched has disappoint me. These are my top fives (yes again the list -__-). Kita mula dari yang kelima ok. hehe

#Fifth

The Number 23

Cerita ni ada slow sikit. Warning, mungkin b

uat anda tertidur. Tapi jalan cerita the best. Jim Carrey memang terer bawak watak psycho. More on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0481369/

#Fourth

Shutter Island

Hoi boleh gila tau dak tgk movie ni. Punyalah buat kita fikir sampai kita boleh confuse apa sebenarnya berlaku. As usual, hujung cerita baru kita cam, "Oooohhhhhh...."

More on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1130884/

#Third

V For Vendetta

Yang ni I sangat2 recommend for EVERYONE. Kalau boleh kan, serapkan apa2 motivasi dari story ni masuk kepala terus. Sebab everything is true and everything about it is totally a reflects of what happen in our country now. That's why asal ada apa2 berlaku yg berbentuk politik di dunia kita ni, orang akan timbulkan quotes dr movie ni, mula pakai the Fawkesian mask yg V pakai tu. Although V tak pernah tunjuk muka, tp suara dia cairrrr beb. Sedap gila. Sbb tu suara dia jadi Megatron, n also byk berlakon jadi penjahat yg mempunyai suara yang mega.

More on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0434409/

#Second

Inception

Actually, I'm torn between this and the first one, cuz Inception as good as the first one. This movie will make you kerut dahi in concentration, it brings you so deep, you can't tear yourself off the storyline. Oh bonus part is some of the actors are my favorite *Joseph & Marion*. This movie is creative, serious thought up, and just pure genius. After the movie, I guarantee you will think about yourself and what really happen when you're asleep. It put out a very important point here which is how powerful an idea can be. Cause Idea can spread like cancer.

More on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1375666/

#First

The whole series of Harry Potter

Before you say anything, I know I know you was like, "What?!" "Ini bukan mystery ni!". Mula2 pun I think like that but when I think about it, Harry Potter series combined, if there was no book, and we're talking about the movies alone, it would be one super epic of awesomeness of a movie. Haha.. Because why? Tell me which movie can create a whole new world as excellent as this? Whats with the names, the magic, the spells, and the mystery behind it all. And tell me why it has become the third best movie in the whole wide world after Titanic and Avatar? And to see the last of the series, unravel the whole mysteries of what really happened 10 years ago, from the first story. Nobody in this world don't know about this movie, right? Never seen, yes, but oblivious of it, NO. If there was one, they'd probably live in the jungle and even they have the reason to be the exception. So yeah, Harry Potter deserve a number 1 spot in my heart.

Some other recommendations of good movies like above are as below:

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, The Vantage Point, Limitless, Atonement...

Ibu Pertiwiku

1Malaysia.

Apa maksud 1Malaysia kepada semua Malaysian?

Kat sini saya nak bercerita sikit pasal my own opinion. Bukan pasal 1Malaysia tapi apa yang saya selalu lalui sebagai seorang Malaysian, and also, Sarawakian.

Situasi 1: Sudah menjadi kebiasaan kita2 orang biasa kena isi borang secara online, especially borang Government matters. Tak kira la untuk loan ke, untuk masuk U ke, apa2 lah. Tapi part paling tak best adalah time isi part "RACE/BANGSA". Yeah some people akan questionkan kenapa perlu tau ini in general, dlm IC kita pun takdak benda ni kan? Cakap 1Malaysia. Ok itu bukan persoalannya sebab sy tak brapa kisah pun. Yang menjadi persoalan disini, dan menjadikan saya kisah disini ialah dalam banyak2 bangsa yang perlu diisi, kenapa ada perbezaan antara "Melayu" dengan "Melayu Sarawak" dan "Melayu Sabah"?

Secara logiknya mungkin maksudnya Melayu Sarawak/Sabah adalah campuran melayu dgn bumiputera (ie; Iban, melanau, kadazan, etc). Since skrg byk percampuran kaum dah kan. Tapi kan, does it really matter? Mari kupaskan persoalan ini. For one, Kita tau dlm Malaysia ni Melayu mendapat priority utama, begitu jugak Bumiputera Sabah & Sarawak. So kalau definisi Melayu Sabah/Sarawak sy ckp td betul, perlukah? Kenapakah? Motif? Kejadah? haha

Saya bukan marah, saya cuma rasa...apa org ckp? Erm... terpinggir. Haaaa...haha... Tak la terpinggir camana pun. Nasib baik saya ni Melayu je, biasanya letak Melayu jelah. Nonetheless sy ada darah Cina, like 1/4 je sbb nenek perempuan Cina. Kalau ada jugak option Melayu Cina memang.....speechless lah. Sik ku terkabir nak explen. I mean come on, cuba tgk kat dlm diri kita ni masing2, ada ke yang Melayu tulen? Ada tu baguslah, be proud. Tapi I can say that majority of us are not that tulen, btol x? Grenti ada yang bercampur2 dah, tak kira la campuran dia 3/4, 2/4, 1/4, 1/2.....Tapi ada je kan yang Melayu + Bugis, Melayu + India, Melayu + Cina, Melayu + Jawa, Melayu + ....dan sbgainya. Tapi ada tak option tu dlm borang? Takde? Kenapa yang Sarawak & Sabah dikecualikan? *Pause*

Situasi 2: Benda ni selalu berlaku dalam newspaper & berita-berita utama di TV di Malaysia. Let's compare the example so you will understand better.

"Undang-undang dikuatkuasakan di seluruh Malaysia termasuk Sabah dan Sarawak"

"....diseluruh Malaysia termasuk Sabah dan Sarawak."

Okay, faham tak konteks di atas? Sekarang saya nak pembaca compare pulak kalau saya buat camni:

"Undang-undang dikuatkuasakan diseluruh Malaysia termasuk Kedah dan Kelantan."

"...diseluruh Malaysia termasuk Melaka dan Johor."

*contoh*

Now the question is....perlu ke letak termasuk Sabah dan Sarawak apabila dalam sejarah Sabah dan Sarawak is a part of Malaysia since 1963. Dah memang dia letak SELURUH MALAYSIA, lepas tu letak lagi termasuk Sabah dan Sarawak. Well, thankyouverymuchforthecredit. Cuba kalau negeri lain dibuat camtu, rasa2nya pelik tak? Haaa korang pikir la sendiri. Malas dah nak membebel.

Ha tu jelah situasi2 yang selalu berlaku kat sini. Pernah sekali aku (kejap aku kejap saya, kau ni....) tgk ada perarakan berlaku kat tempat dirahsiakan di semenanjung (muahaha) dan setiap kontijen membawa bendera negeri2 di Malaysia. Aku pun bersorak mcm apa, sampailah satu kontijen tu bwk bendera Sarawak. I was like sscreeeeeccchhhh *bunyi radio rosak*. Dia punyalah bangga bawak bendera Sarawak yang lama punya. Eh aku pun xtau yg lama ke ape ke sebab kan yg dia bawak tu langsung tak nampak mcm bendera Sarawak. Moha aku tok eh time ya. *Ha carik sendiri maksud moha*

Setahu aku lah kan, 1st bendera sarawak (1848 - 1870) macamni:

James Brooke punya influence hence the cross

Second bendera Sarawak (1870-1941) under the influence of Charles Brooke:

Third bendera Sarawak under British Governor (after 1941):

Fourth bendera Sarawak 1946-1963:

Fifth bendera Sarawak 1973-1988:

And finally the current bendera Sarawak 1988 till now:

Annnnddddddddd among ALL these bendera TAKDE SATU PUN yang similar dgn apa yang orang tu bawak time perarakan tu. I remember it till now because it is a disgrace for me not to have the courtesy to even buy a new and correct bendera. Ade je kot jual merata kat pasar. I still remember dia punya bendera tu macam Negeri Sembilan punya tapi kaler lain sikit. Time tu aku punyalah nak bersorak utk kontijen tu tapi aku terus cam, "Aik, tu bukan Sarawak punya." And aku bgtau kawan2 aku tapi dorang buat dek je sebab its not even their concern. I dont blame them. But you know how I feel when your negeri punya bendera, as simple as that been shown off to people in a perarakan, TAPI SALAH BENDERA. Aku tau none of the people in the kontijen are Sarawakian so dorang pun xtau agaknya. Sabar jelah. Aku membebel kat atas pun korang belajar sikit2 pasal bendera Sarawak kan? Hahaha...

Apa apa pun aku nak bagitau satu je. Please, never should we see the difference between human beings for their colour, race, & ethnicity. After all, what's the purpose of that so-called 1Malaysia?

p/s: Mesti korang dah cam, "Eh bising lah dia ni, pasal tu pun nak besarkan." I will answer, Ada aku kesah? hahahha. Cuba lah try jadi org Sarawak/Sabah then aku nak tgk korang jawab camana. hua hua hua

Assalamualaikum.

Challenge Accepted!

Mulai esok I will try these as a challenge for myself.

#1 Bangun awal. Sebelum tengah hari. kehkehkeh susah benor nk bangun especially bila takde kerja.

#2 Avoid internet. Kurangkan lah.

#3 Start baking again

#4 Read all those un-read books. Hmm I might read my un-touch bday gift Islamic book. hehe

#5 Go to Masjid for terawikh

#6 Sembahyang di awal waktu

#7 Well...just do something that is beneficiary.

Hope it'll work. Super excited!